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Some disease women get … and other whimsical names

November 23, 2013

She was diagnosed with husbandermia. That means that her man left her.

Seriously, language gets double-dosed with its own share of graphic names for illness on frequent occasion. Perhaps it’s time to propose some alternative names that address diseases and disorders for the friendly screen?

Victimization has always been a tough issue. Some of what the writer knows comes from the aliens and the rest comes from political correctness. And so follows a whimsical list of alternative names related to known social ills.

Arson: components ephemeral disease

Bank robber: ambitious caliber disease

Child abduction: small persons evacuation syndrome

Criminal: unsuccessful phobias transactor

Defendant: uncommon domestic policy disorder

Drunk: flash flood disorder

Drunk driving: supercollider imprint disease

Employee theft: advanced revolutions disorder

Incumbent: binary switch sensitivity disorder

Junkie: whirlygig spreader disease

Kleptomania: eclectic ostentation disorder

Megalomania: meet and greet disorder

Paranoid schizophrenia: light bulb emission syndrome

Prostitution: reusable applications disorder

Pyromania: autopilot light disease

Psychotic murderer: organ trade detraction guerrilla

Rapist: volatile automated expression disease

Smuggler: anathematized provisions dealer

Speeder: participle acceleration disorder

That’s the list. If you want to see more social ills added to the list complete with stylishly whimsical definitions, send your suggestions to


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